Burn Internship Testimony
I had no idea that voicing my interest in the Burn Internship would result in a decision that would wound me so much in love for God that the cry of my heart demanded that I lay down my life. This roller coaster ride started even before the internship. On a cold winter's day, I walked over to a hotel and met with Ronnette, the director of the Burn Internship program at the Fredericksburg Prayer Furnace. I walked away with an application and a strong desire to take a semester off school & just see what God did with me there. This happened while I was at the OneThing 09' Conference, so during our breaks, I would ask God for direction, but I didn't feel like He gave me any answer except to "stay in Virginia." Only a day after I got home from KC, Ronnette texted me & told me she needed an answer by the next day. I panicked a bit & prayed again to the Lord for direction. While I was praying, I heard His voice in my spirit, "Go,"
..."Lord, are you sure?-"
Again, He said, "Go."
So it was settled. I was going to be in Fredericksburg for an internship with the Prayer Furnace in 2 short weeks. Later on, my mom didn't handle it well, but [she] knew that in my stubbornness, I would not back down. So mid-Jan I headed up to Fred. for orientation day! I was super excited to start and a little nervous looking around at the other interns. Ronnette gave a little speech & introduced us to our core group leaders & separated us up into our houses. I just remember thinking how good these next four months were going to be, but little did I know that I was going to be blown out of the water with the knowledge of God, the depth of my sin, and the unending height of His delight in me.
First things first. One of first things we did as an internship was deliverance week. Early on, God revealed that I was carrying around self-hatred & shame. Self-hatred you say??? You hated yourself, Eva?? Yes, I understand it sounds like I was depressed, but I wasn't. I describe it as having a lot of insecurities or another way to say it is: having confidence in my flesh. That being said, the Lord took me through a spiritual desert. In that desert, I ran into myself {Flesh.} and I ran into God {My Beloved: shining & dazzling}. Holy Spirit showed me what I struggled with and God spoke His truth over me. Psalm 8:5 {...And You have crowned him with glory & honor.} & Ephesians 1:17-19 {v18. ...that you may know what is the hope of His calling, what are the riches of the glory of His inheritance in the saints.} are two verses He used to speak to me about my worth in Him. Along with that, He extended grace for a 21-day fast from wearing make-up to show me what real beauty is and where real worth comes from.
Hosea 2 became a really vital chapter for me during the internship. In the Book of Hosea, I read about how the Lord asked Hosea to take a prostitute for a wife as a symbol of how He felt with Israel [Hosea 1:2,3:1-5]. Through that chapter, the Holy Spirit revealed to me how I was like that harlot, going after many things to satisfy me. Not knowing that in my pursuit of feeling complete, I forgot about God. But God, in His faithfulness, chased me down & drew me to the wilderness to speak to me about who He was again. Together with Hosea 2***, He led me to Song of Solomon 2:2, "Like a lily among thorns, so is my love among the daughters," to show me that His love was so utterly set apart, it can be compared to one beautiful flower among many nasty, prickly thorns. I really felt like I was falling in love again with God when I understood more of His character.
A seemingly small thing marked a great change in me during the Burn. All the ladies of the house [10, including me], were all assigned weekly chores. Being the young adults we were, we keep the house tidy for a bit & then got quite lazy with our duties. Therefore, our house 'mom' assigned a paper for us to write about character. I think we all had a reluctant attitude when we heard about this homework assignment. But God showed me while I was complaining in my heart, that this was a very caring thing to do on Rebekah's [house mom] part. She wanted us to be even more refined by God in the little things, like doing your chore faithfully. For if you are faithful with a little, you will be faithful with much. I realized even more that God doesn't look at your anointing or gifts, He looks at your heart. What is most precious to God is hidden [Colossians 3:3 For you died, & your life is hidden with Christ in God].
I will share yet another revelation from Him about character. For a short two & a half years I became involved with the Richmond International House of Prayer, I had unknowingly developed a performance mentality & pride from the anointing God gave me for intercessory prayer. My insecurity manifested in pride & jealousy when certain people would pray on the microphone at the Prayer Furnace. [We pray on the mic, so the room can hear it & agree corporately, but the idea is not to pray to the men in the room, but straight to God.] I thought, "So & so prays so much better than me." God intervened & showed me that my insecurity came from an orphan spirit. He showed me that He adopted me as His own daughter & I really didn't need to perform or compare myself to His other children. God didn't want me to pray fancy words that had no meaning or had no connection to my heart...He just wanted me to be sincere & let the Holy Spirit do His job. I realized that the motivation of the heart was very important. That put to rest my burden, so I rested in my identity as His very own.
One of the hardest parts of my life happened during the Burn. I had to cling to Him so tightly during this time. About halfway into the internship, I started asking God for direction in my life for the next season. I had already fallen in love with being in the wilderness, no matter how uncomfortable it was to my flesh! In other words, I had no desire whatsoever to return to VCU in the fall. But I wrestled with the possibility of staying because my heart was broken for VCU; I desired that God would send revival to that university & felt inclined to be a part of it. I also had worries about how I'd live as staff at FPF. As my anxiety grew, His answer came the week some IHOPPERS decided to use their Spring Break from International House of Prayer [IHOP in Kansas City, MO] to help FPF with nightwatch [prayer & worship 12am-5am]. One of those days, the IHOPPERS got to prophesy [Rev. 19:10] over the interns. I REALLY wanted God to confirm where He wanted me to be through one of them! And He did. He gave me Isaiah 62. Verse 6 talks about the Lord setting watchmen on the wall to cry out to God day and night. He told me He would set me in His house & that He's faithful. He said if I said, "Yes," He would do it. He said He was raising me up to be a deliverer & that I would find Jesus in the wilderness. He said that there's grace to cultivate years in the wilderness. And the last thing He said was that this season was to be in His power, not just experience & in His grace, not just trials. I was indescribably happy! I shouted, "Praise God!" out loud, loud enough for the whole room to hear! Now, this time of joy was short-lived because I knew I had to break the news to my parents. At first, they were very upset & disappointed with me. I had a couple phone conversations with my dad & my mom as well as one face-to-face meeting about these plans from the Lord. And their disappointment really broke me because I wanted to honor them & finish school, but I knew that if I disobeyed the Lord, the consequence would be greater. There was no shortage of tears during this time. But a miraculous thing happened! After talking face-to-face with my dad, he said these words, "I will support you in whatever you do, as long as you do it well." I was so happy! And a week later, my mom called & left a message on my phone telling me the same. She also told me a little later that when she told God she trusted Him with His decision for me, she saw a vision! It was one of a woman with most of her face blurry except for her big, shiny smile! And all around this smiling woman was a lot of purple! Hearing this really touched my heart because my mom told me that it was the first time she felt like God answered her prayer. The Lord really used this whole experience to have confidence in His will and really know my Shepherd and really know that wherever I am, God is my home.
The last thing I want to say goes with the verse, "For to me, to live is Christ, and to die is gain [Phil. 1:21]." One of my fellow interns preached on this & it really wrecked me. He talked about the conflict Paul had in his spirit to die & be with Christ & to stay, so that the church could be strengthened. I want to connect this point to an observation my friend made. She came to Richmond one night with me to sleep over at my parents' house & noticed my sculpture on my bookshelf. I made it in high school about marriage in America. I decided that it would represent divorce because around 50% of US marriages ended in divorce. The splattered paint purposely made the cake look ugly & bruised. To top it off, I put a broken heart on the top-layer of the cake. It was really ugly. My friend told me she felt like the Holy Spirit wanted me to do the cake over, but this time about Jesus & His Bride. So I took the sculpture to Fred. & asked Him how to restore it. What He said that meant the most to me was that, "We are one." So living in Christ & dying to myself makes us one. I want that so bad, but not as badly as He wants us to be one. Now, I am in the process of creating what He has shown me & still working on it.
In a nutshell, I'd describe the past four months like finding an oasis in the desert, but once you get to the oasis-all you can do is sit there and stare with your mouth gaping wide open. On a more serious note, I walked out of the internship, more strongly desiring to walk in Christ. Whether I live, I live for Him & whether I die, I die for Him. Though to a lovesick heart, dying to the flesh is destined because His love is greater, His jealousy as cruel as the grave. I'm not trying to puff myself up at all to say that I've arrived fully at this point. But I know that if I am genuinely sincere to desire to know God that intimately, then He will do it. I will never be perfect, but all I want to hear at the end...whether I die & go to Heaven or Jesus comes riding on the clouds with all His glory & takes me up...is "Well done, good & faithful servant, My beautiful bride. Come & live forever with Me in the the city I have prepared for you," that's all I need to hear. That's all I'm longing to hear.
